At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
