Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The feeling are messing with the penis
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
