I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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