Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
