sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
