Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
