You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
