I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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