I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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