It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
