Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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