I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
