so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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