i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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