I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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