Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
