how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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