I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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