and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
