I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
