Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
