it wasn't lemon gatorade
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Randomize
