soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
