Your mouth is God's brothel.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
