i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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