So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
