hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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