I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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