I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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