Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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