I think my fart just growled at me.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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