did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Randomize
