Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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