you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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