so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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