You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize