Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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