if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
whose parrot is this?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize