Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
