i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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