Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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