True but thats because hes a fetus.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
