2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
