whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
