well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
