fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
