I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
