just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
