I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
