Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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