dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
