you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
