I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
