I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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