I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
