How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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