Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
