dude i'm inner monologue high
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
