My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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