also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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