i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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