i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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