She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
the raccoons are back...
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