My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
