i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
