Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize