I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
